Funny Life Hacks and Wisdom

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The wave of time and life has continued persistently. And without a sign of an end, we look to better ourselves in a perpetual cycle. As the possessor of an exceedingly wise mind and most incredible life experiences, I can only be compelled to impart wisdom to the world. Here are life hacks, tips, advice, observations, inspirational quotes, adages, proverbs, and philosophies that are funny and, thus, will enlighten you on your journey in life—one that is presumed full of impulses and challenges. Albeit exceptionally funny, do take these seriously and feel free to apply them to your respective circumstances with little to no caution necessary.

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Let not a soul tell you your decision is ill-advised, for one knows not. Remember that Jack swapped a cow for beans, and it turned out great!
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From one genius to another: If you ever successfully invent a time machine, do not travel back to the past from the get-go. That's when the machine did not exist yet—you are undoing your invention! Always travel to a future lottery draw date straight away!
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If at first you don't succeed, don't worry. Your defense mechanism will come up with the best excuses and alibis.
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Age is just a number. So long as you don't concern yourself with knees, back, hips, the rest of your joints, eyesight, memory retention, metabolism, or the appearance of a droopy version of you in the mirror, it really is just a number.
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One may get lost afloat on seas or trekking a wild forest and survive for weeks and weeks sustained by ketchup packets and drinking one's urine. Imagine how long one lives with donuts and coffee. Ages and ages, truly.
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Don't Forget To Crack Your Funny Fortune Cookie!

Do not mess with a greater force by staging a profitless challenge. Know that you keep your dignity, albeit conceding defeat. In earnest, surrender fully to diarrhea and wait humbly.
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When deciding what to get for tattoos, consider practicality, e.g., the emergency numbers and anniversaries. If emergencies occur or memory fails you, as they inevitably do, your tattoos will very much come in handy.
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If you have a desk job, keep frowning, pouting, and squinting at your monitor. It doesn't matter what on Earth you are doing; you would look important.
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Whenever you feel bored, think of how lucky you are to live in today's age. There was a time when a dedicated shepherd cried out, "wolf!" out of boredom. You would never have to do that. The worst-case scenario is to settle with reruns of "Friends."
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If your goal is to live a long, healthy life, do not subscribe to the notion of natural foods, diets, and methods. Nature itself is the enemy. It wants you to grow old and die! We need human intervention to keep living. Loading up on chemicals and artificial supplements is what we should be doing.
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So, you're holding your wife's hand in the mall to prevent her from shopping. That doesn't work. Find another girl and hold her hand instead, and your wife will be too upset to shop.
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Whatever it is you may be complaining about in life, don't worry. It's not going to be your problem anymore when you're dead.
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Live life to the fullest while investing in your future. Be an alcoholic, do drugs, get in trouble, go to jail, and rebel against all forms of authority. Go to rehab, change, be an inspirational speaker, write a book, gain admiration, make money, ride your high horse, and feel like you're better than everybody.
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If things cluttered in your house no longer spark joy, remember that they did once—that's why they're there. Don't throw them away; try to work things out and rekindle past emotions.
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To say money can't buy happiness is the ultimate rock bottom. You must be so screwed.
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