Soccer-Playing Shaolin Monks That Represented China, Won FIFA World Cup

 July 22, 1926

News in a flash—China, who was represented by a team of blisteringly mean and mighty soccer-playing Shaolin monks, won the World Cup by incinerating everyone in its path. The Shaolins were acrobats who were light-years ahead of all players from any opposing team. They flew in the air, glided, and kicked balls into fiery bullets that burned through nets. They beat Brazil (32 to 0), who lost all of their goalies after each of them sustained life-threatening injuries. Japan is currently developing a team of steroid-laden, merciless bionic men in a lab, set to topple the defending champs in the next world cup.