Are Ghosts Real?
There have been various efforts to prove the existence of ghosts. May it be from scientific sources or the undeterred passion for the paranormal, one cannot just snidely speak of the subject. It is the pseudoscience that most have relegated it, but ghost fanatics cannot be reduced as mere freak show, their pursuit is our gallant stand to an ageless question. With an array of hi-tech equipment to boast, they hunt for these spectres in the bowels of the dark night, and albeit the results to be as inconclusive and dissensus as ever, it invokes the curious case of a consciousness after one's demise. The shroud of mystery remains unceasingly and in seeming perpetuity. Science has always been an unsubstantial associate in proving ghosts… but not for long.
A premise based on a dumbfoundingly overlooked information has come to light—thanks to yours truly. A device believed to be logical, analytical and can process complex data unlike any other—supported with a complete package of senses, namely: sight, touch, hearing, smell and taste. I present... the human being. A confinement of DNA and complex chemical processes, capable of unparalleled cerebral abilities bringing forth the advancements our home planet has witnessed throughout the ages. There couldn't be a more scientific device particularly aligned to adjudicating whether a vague presence is ghostly or not than a human being.
If ghosts are not real, our existence itself is a big joke. We, the human race and all its virtue, somehow created this illusion—uncoordinated, inadvertent and consistently across every generation. They're not tales and myths that survived time. They're unique stories by people from all walks of life and from every part of the world, heard time and again. How can anyone turn a deaf ear to all these claims? We can't allow this to go on as a mystery. For the sake of sanity on Earth, I make it official: Ghosts are real.
Now that we have all agreed that ghosts are real, it's time to talk about the nitty-gritty. What are ghosts like? Ghosts are like premature ejaculations, they "come" unwanted and they scare the heck out of us. But for us to truly understand what makes a ghost, I took it upon myself to be in the presence of one. How did I meet one? Like every averagely mannered man to sport quasi-journalistic jibber-jabber, I booked an appointment. I was fortunate enough to sit down for coffee with the ghost of a 42-year-old man who lived a life embroiled in lies. This is a "first of its kind" conversation with a resident from the "other side". Here's the full transcript of my interview with this ghost.
Me: First of all, thank you so much for coming today. Please introduce yourself and tell us how you died.
Ghost: My name is Kaboom Abdul. I crashed my car full of explosives to building, killed 29 people, 2 camels, and little baby girl if you like to count it.
Me: Wow, that's crazy.
Ghost: No, no crazy. You should hear what my cousin Usman eat for breakfast.
Me: Sure, we should save that for later... The reason you did this is obviously because of the promise of 72 virgins in heaven as reward for blowing up a building full of infidels, right? So, did you get your 72 virgins?
Ghost: No, f*** that sh**! It's total scam. As spirit, I don't even have dick. I could have been alive now pounding sweet donkey buns, but nooOo0o, I'm here, floating in limbo. Some messed up sh** huh?!
Me: I apologize to those at home who may have heard obscene language. So, speaking of limbo, some sources have claimed that you continue to appear on Earth, spooking the living?
Ghost: The absence of time and space in afterlife jumbles everything. This is just me not finding way to hell while I actually burn in the lake of fire in parallel spiritual domain, while lost and actually waiting it to happen though it is happening.
Me: Hmmm... That's quite confusing.
Ghost: It's not same as what you flesh and bone sh*t faces know. For most part, ghosts were people bad in directions. I's really bad at it that I use GPS to crash my car to the right building... I guess I missed a turn or something on my way here also, the next thing I know is I'm here—limbo land motherf****s!!!
Me: Would you attribute your apparitions on Earth to unfinished business?
Ghost: Look, I dunno the deal with your stereotypes but If you think that no dick, no virgins while lost as f*** is unfinished business, yes.
Me: Do you regret your decisions?
Ghost: Uh, no (rolls his eyes), all this and crazy sh** is really something I look forward, duh! Of course I regret. What the hell is this, amateur hour?
Me: Sorry. It is my first interview with a ghost, please don't be so hard on me. Anyway, I know you have a full plate and you have more spooking to do...(Interrupted)
Ghost: What full plate? I didn't come with any plates...(Interrupted)
Me: I mean you have a busy schedule.
Ghost: Ah ok... I should possess you and I will f*** donkey with your dick. Good?
Me: (Laughs [uncomfortably]) That would be unnecessary.... Would you rather have any message to people who are still alive?
Ghost: Yes. I tell people that Donkey and Goats better. Don't fall for sh**. And Rhaman, stop Ouija-ing me, it tickles when you do that.
Me: Ok, thank you for your time.
Ghost: Go f*** yourself.