The Most Pretentious Titles People Give Themselves

 Bob & Ron's Survey 

It has become more frequent to read or hear people bearing atrocious, detestable, and pretentious titles for whatever they are or do in life. Considering it's going to be real jocking for position in this inventory, our sister company, Bob & Ron's Survey, took the difficult task of finding out which ones are at the top of the heap. Here are the top 5 most pretentious titles according to the poll conducted by Bob and Ron. Do note that they may have or have not reached out to actual people to draw this list, but who cares, right? Bob and Ron may be omniscient mind readers for all we know, and that's how you're assured this list has got cred hot branded all over it.

We kick off at number 5, and it feels like we've already taken a beating. So, beauty consultant, what are you? Are you a beauty goddess whose presence demands the wretched many to fall to one's knees and drink from the stream of your sympathetic tears? Where were you when it was declared that true beauty is within? Everybody knows that! At least our survey participants do. So on behalf of them, here's a big, fat, flying middle finger!

Are you a brat who dines in at least 3 restaurants a week and could tell if the grapes were juiced to sophistication or shall elude your thumbs up? Well, how much alcohol is in it and what's the hangover like is all we need to know and nothing more! Quit the self-inflation! Unless you actually make wine in a prison toilet, you have no real appreciable skills because wine yapping is not and no one is impressed!

Inevitably, this ensues the previous, and it comes in flying right in your face. I knew you got that third spot when I could smell Parmesan. Please do talk a lot about how types of milk curdle feel exquisite against your palate. Of course they're nice, they've been caressed by geriatric Scandinavian hands! Your posey Youtube viewers can't wait to put all that glitz into use. Congratulations on finding a name for that shareable hard-earned inanity!

Coming down hard at number 2 as the most pretentious and hated title according to our poll minions, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the life coach. The only probable surprise here is that it's not at number 1. I mean, what could be more pretentious, right? It was a close fight to the top, believe me.

In all fairness, the idea is there. You hire a life coach, or better yet, a team of them, you give it 2-3 years, and if the filthy clown can't give you the life's championship, you fire it. Unless any of them had first-hand encounters with butthole-probing aliens and have come back from the dead and have stood at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, they're just as clueless as a pig in a slaughterhouse.

If you believe in surveys as you should (hello?), associating with anybody who claims to bear this title is highly unrecommended.

You, reader, have made it here, and you can't be any prouder. That only means that in a minute, you'll be a significantly more informed individual than you were 3 minutes ago. Slamming swell-hard at the top of the list, according to our dear survey participants, is the social influencer. Anybody who dares to call oneself a social influencer should be shot in the face, no questions asked.

Anybody who wishes to be influenced by a shiny round-breasted bimbo or an uneducated 6-foot-2 blond who has an opinion about the fight game or someone who recommends which sewn animal carcass is best to keep your tampons in should be shot in the face, twice. Pretty aggressive, I know. But the influencees do have to be shot in the face twice, for uhmm... good measure? I swear, I did know why two seconds ago.

But there you have it! That completes our top 5 most pretentious titles for attention-starved people according to the public and not by me. Make sure to keep posted because Bob & Ron will be back for more surveys faster than a tank convoy in a Russian invasion!