Funny Short Stories | Wisdom

Well, let's begin with a fortune-teller joke then!

A man living on the edge went to see a fortune-teller. "Reveal to me the perils ahead and when I might die!" He ordered emphatically. The fortune-teller summoned the energies in the universe, saw the man's future, and dissected it to provide the answers to his questions. "A single tragedy," she spoke. "A lone accident awaits, my vision tells me! But ruthless as you are, you shall survive it..." Overtaken by zeal, the man interjected. "Good! I'm a fighter. That's what matters to me the most—surviving! When is my death?" He asked again. "You shall not die in 20 years," replied the madam. The man paused for a second to process it. "I'm 45 now. I shall take it; that's enviable to most. Anything else, woman?" Satisfied, he inquired further. "Just a thing audacious one," answered the madam. "You shall be in a coma for 19 years."
I visited an exotic country and dearly loved it. I went to this restaurant that serves exotic food. Their best seller is a dish of a male horse's organ. On the menu, there was a gentle note saying: Any generosity to our staff is appreciated, but rest assured, you're the one who gets a big tip here.
A gentleman burdened by the accruement of years walked into a clinic hoping to find a cure for his severe memory deficiency. "Doctor, please help me," said the poor elderly. "I have become more forgetful with each passing day." The doctor gave him a good look, browsed at the paper he had filled out, and said, "Sir, this is a case of Alzheimer's." The gentleman's eyes dilated as he said, "You know that by merely having a good look at me? You must be an excellent physician." The doctor laid bare a sour grin before speaking again. "Sir, you were just here half an hour ago."
We always wonder for some people who do enjoyable things for a living if they still enjoy doing them outside of work. I mean, do prostitutes still like to get dolled up and go for walks in the streets on lovely evenings on their days off, or what?
If you could be an animal, which animal do you want to be? I want to be both a tortoise and a cow. I'd be living rent-free, and the whole floor is food.
A white shark has devoured an obese 250 lb man in the Great Barrier Reef. The shark was then promoted to a Great White Shark.
Whenever we try something that doesn't work, it's only natural that we proceed to the next possible solution, which means upping the ante. If Sleeping Beauty didn't wake up at the handsome prince's first kiss, I really believe he would have taken it to second base.
After eons had passed, the serpent wanted to try again an old trick that brought it one of its greatest accolades. Mystic and all-knowing of the intricacies of today's world, the serpent crept up on a social media babe slash influencer and spoke to her. "Hi, try this bright shiny fruit, and you will gain more knowledge than anyone else," the slithering tempter said. Independent and modern, the empowered female glanced at the fruit and said, "Ewww." Nevertheless, she's entitled to inquire. "Like, what is it? How many calories is it? Is that organically grown? Are you sure there were no rivers diverted and dried up to grow that fruit? I don't eat fruits on an empty stomach. Maybe an oat cookie first?" Needless to say, man and all of creation were saved this time around.
How often do active LGBTQ members meet to discuss their concerns? Answer: Bi-weekly
As a perfectionist, here's something deeply disappointing. We have these bottles of disinfectants, hand sanitizers, mouthwash, etc., inexplicably fixated and content in claiming to kill 99.99% of germs. Are we even moving in time? So there's an invincible 0.01% that we have conceded to? How can the scientific greats of this planet be this mired and weak? They need an inspirational speech from a football coach! We're so close—get the job done and vanquish this enemy already! #shame.
I hate birthdays... I truly do. That's why I celebrate my birthdays in the grandest of fashions. Confused?? I was born on February 29th. I don't have to deal with it as most people have to—how lucky is that??!
Seated in a restaurant and scanning the menu, a health advocate gave a twatty lecture to his friend about food and diet and emphatically ended it with the famous proverb, "you are what you eat." Turning to the occasion at hand and a marginal subject change, he then asked, "So, what would you like to order?" His docile friend replied, "A mid 30's genius billionaire who can invent weaponized robot suits."
A hospital performed tests on a patient to find out how long he would live. After two days, a doctor visited the patient. "So, doc, how long will I live?" The patient asked. "Keep your chin up, sir," the doctor initially answered. "I can't quite discuss the results with you just yet. However, your bill is being made ready at accounting," the assuring doctor continued. "You really must settle it within five days."
A sexual offender yet talented professional applied for a job. A company's Hiring Manager interviewed him. "So you say you've been accused of molestation and sexual harassment in your previous employment?" Asked the Hiring Manager. "It's a touchy subject," answered the applicant. "Why don't you see me after work and I'll tell you all about it?"
A man accidentally unearthed a time machine. However, its system indicated that only one travel and a return are left of it. "What an incredible but limited opportunity," the man's wife said. "We need to use this wisely." As enormous lottery hopefuls, they both had a pretty good idea of how to take advantage. "We could win the lottery! You should travel to tomorrow's draw and come back," she told him. Agreeing, he traveled in time to see tomorrow's lotto results and came back. "So, what are the winning jackpot numbers?" The wife eagerly asked. "Nah, it doesn't matter," the man answered. "I was there; our ticket didn't win."
Someone asked me if I possess any unique talents or gifts. I said that I have the skill to look at people's faces and instantly tell whether I like them or hate them.
In a Science class, the teacher said, "Each year, the sea level rises. What do you think causes this?" A smart student answered, "That makes sense, because there are billions of creatures in the sea. Where do you think they all pee?"
What is so evident when mediums contact spirits? Answer: Dead air.
Three airline passengers trying to book a flight asked for special accommodation for personal issues.

First passenger: I snore loudly. Can you put me next to someone who wouldn't be bothered by it?
Airline employee: Sure, I'll seat you next to a deaf passenger. Should work out fine.
Second passenger: I tend to fart a lot. I can work on the noise; it's the smell that there's nothing I can do about.
Airline employee: I'll seat you next to someone wearing an oxygen mask for the duration of the flight due to a respiratory issue. He can't smell it.
The third passenger overheard the earlier transactions and was impressed by the airline's flexibility.
Third passenger: I tend to be very frisky and playful. Surely, you would have somewhere suitable for me, wouldn't you?
Airline employee: Indeed, we do. Here's your ticket. You fly in a dog crate. Please proceed to cargo.

Page 1