If I were the prince in Cinderella's story, and if I really thought she was that hot, in today's time, I would call for eyewitnesses to round up some girls and run a DNA match on that shoe. Once we identify the bitch, I'll run an extensive background check on her ass, and if she's cool, then I'd marry her just like the sly prince did—all before that innocence is gone and her head gets too big.
A teacher asked a Chinese international student what his favorite hobby is and had quite a reaction to his answer. "My dear young fellow, do you think it's right for your country to claim Mars as it did those many disputed islands in Asia?" The teacher reprimandingly questioned him. "Does this mean you guys have actually built structures there and inhabited that planet?" The student was confounded as he try to muster words again for his teacher. "How did you get that from I attend training to improve my martial arts?" He curiously answered. "Martial arts??" The befuddled teacher exclaimed. "Well, I'd be damned. I thought you said Martian arse."
An adolescent girl visited a dermatologist. "Doctor, please help me," she pleaded. "I've got a mean case of pimples." Curious by the language of urgency, the dermatologist asked, "How so?" The girl replied, "They're so in your face."
A group of curious blind men visited an elephant to know what it's like. As the story goes, all had different impressions of an elephant based solely on a part each could touch and hold. As the blind men discoursed, one more blind man, known for his foolery, arrived late. He proceeded to grope the magnificent creature, as did everybody there. "Well, if the narrative is that I must only feel one part of this animal, I shall grab hold of its cock!" He chuckled, telling everybody. "Man, get out of town! (*sexy whistle) It's mighty thick and insanely long, ya hear me?" Only then they knew it was time to return home to the blind people's shelter.
An ape is having a conversation with a sloth. "I'm going to evolve and become a human in the future," said the ape. "How about you?" He asked the sloth. "Same," answered the sloth.
A husband arrived home drunk at night and was met by his wife at the door.
Husband: Why are you still up this late? Go to bed! Wife: Well, well, well. I'm going to let that slide; that's obviously the alcohol talking and not you. But you are so dead if you drove home in that state. Who drove you home?! Husband: Oh, don't worry. The alcohol did it as well.
A man came into a tattoo shop and asked to be tattooed. He said, "I want 'Love' on my right arm, 'Hope' on my left arm and 'Loyalty' on my chest." The tattoo artist replied, "Nah... Sorry, we don't do temporary stuff here."
After spending time together, the princess felt a special fondness for the Frog Prince. She couldn't keep such wild admiration any longer and felt the urge to kiss the charming critter. And they kissed tenderly! The frog magically turned into a human prince! "Wait, so this is what you are now?" Asked the princess. "Are you permanently human?" The now human prince somehow didn't feel the reaction he had expected. "Yeah, aren't you happy?" He asked. "We can now be together, get married and stuff." The princes seemed to be in awkward discontent. "Uhm... You see, if I wanted a man, don't you think I would have got one already? My thing is for frogs. I only do frogs," the princess revealed her quirky bestial fetish. With the prince having no interest in turning back into a frog, it didn't quite work out, and they lived separately ever after.
Having a 2-year-old toddler, we have this system for us grown-ups to spell out things, especially junk food, such as C-H-I-P-S, so she can't demand or cry for them upon hearing. I think she understands that we're coding on her because she seems to counter by crying a lot and making us guess what's wrong.
What is the busiest animal in the world? Answer: The cat. It has nine lives.
Two four-year-olds were role-playing while their parents sat comfortably having tea. "Look at them; they're so adorable," said one of the parents. "They're so smart—well beyond their years," said the other parent. Then they heard one of them say, "I'm gonna stick this up your ass!" The kid's mother was shocked. "Hey, why so rude?!" She asked. "Oh no, Mommy," answered the little angel. "We're just playing doctor and patient. I'm giving him a Colonoscopy."
How would a flat-earther feel if you believed them? Answer: Flattered
In a realistic [no pretense, no lies, no sugar coating, and absolutely nothing but the truth] world, a man and a woman in love get married and say the traditional wedding vows. The minister says: Repeat after me. I, (man and woman), take you from this day forward, although it would be nice if it's for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, and 'til death do us part, I certainly don't have to. However, I ought to stay married to you until we are divorced or annulled. (Couple repeats it.) Minister: I now pronounce you husband and wife.
The tape measure and the flashlight had a conversation. "You are such an inspiration," the tape measure said to the flashlight. "You've been to dark places in your life." The flashlight was flattered and wanted to reciprocate the admiration. "Well, thank you for being there through thick and thin," the flashlight told the tape measure. The battery overheard the conversation and rolled its eyes. The flashlight saw it and said, "Oh, knock it off. Come here! I want you inside me."
A young pornstar sued his casting director for sexual harassment at work. The case was heard in a court of law. "What has this man done for you to accuse him of sexual harassment?" A lawyer questioned the pornstar. "Oh, I have more than just words to say against him—come and watch this video," she stated.
Two drunks were walking their way home after a drinking spree. The first drunk pointed at the horizon and said, "That's a lovely sunset." The second drunk laughed at him and said, "You must be so hammered; that's a sunrise!" The two argued until their friend, who was just as soaked, caught up in the walk. The two decided to ask him. "Hey buddy, could you tell us if that's a sunset or a sunrise?" He answered, "You two are trippin'. I should ask you; you both know I haven't lived here that long."
Some guy trying to organize his “to get list”: I'm having a party tonight, so I'm going out to buy a few things. Weed is high on the list, so I gotta get that. There might be a couple of friends staying late, so I can't sleep on pillows and blankets, gotta get those. Budget wise, beer and some beans—definitely can. I'm mixed about vodka, juice, and blender—not sure if I should. I could also grab some beef stock—for the future, doesn't have to be today. And because I'm 60, I gotta get a Viagra. That is a hard yes!
A British gun, Canadian gun, and an American gun walked into a bar at the same time.
British gun: It's late, what are you doing here American gun? American gun: Uhm... getting a drink? Canadian gun: Don't you have school tomorrow? American gun: We'll see, we'll see...
At a professional development course, the speaker asked a random participant. "When you have a bad day at work, how do you usually react, and what do you say to yourself?" The random participant answered, "I typically tell myself—you're a lucky guy, and there are so many people out there who would love to be in your place." The speaker nodded in approval of the guy's answer. "Such an admirable way to respond to negativity," he said. "What is your profession, sir?" The guy replied, "I'm a Gynecologist."
There have been fewer and fewer doctors in recent years. The cause of their decline? Increased apple consumption.
