I'm scared of growing old. You don't have a lot of time left, yet you take everything so slow. Earlier, my 69-year-old co-worker—God bless him for his dedication—told me a story about his hygienist's husband's half-brother doing something God knows when because the date—which he can't remember—for some reason is so important. Then there's the part where someone got a migraine in a Chinese restaurant because the food had MSG. I swear I've been told this story every six months or so for the past five years, and I still don't get it because I can't give it five straight minutes of attention.
Fun fact: Do you know that the USA, spearheaded by NASA, launched the Miss Universe contest in 1952 in an effort to lure out extraterrestrials? So far, the initiative has been all but futile as every single one of its contestants in the pageant's history were Earthlings and mind you, they started accepting boys in 2018, yet the challenge has remained hugely unheeded.
A group of friends playing Ouija board:
"Is there any spirit here with us?" One of them asked. "Yes," the Ouija board answered. "Do you know my grandfather?" The person asked again. "I wish to speak with my grandfather." The Ouija board answered again, "Do you think we all know each other out here? That is inappropriately assumptive!"
What's the difference between a serial killer and a pedophile?
Answer: The former is the golden prince of the crime world. The latter is the ugly adopted son—he never gets documentaries, retold in different renditions for decades.
Somebody in the olden days claimed that man would betray man, but his dog would remain loyal—thus the conception that the dog is man's best friend. I vehemently oppose this. If an animal generally is to become man's best friend, I'd say it would be the pussy cat or bird. Pussy cats and birds—despite being well capable of doing it—will not attack us to death. On the other hand, countless vicious Pitbulls did, and there are no signs that they will ever stop!
Wives can't open a lot of the bottles and jars in the kitchen; they need husbands for that. Husbands can't find most of them; they need wives for that. A balanced, complementary pairing perfected by thousands of years of evolution!
Superman, arguably Earth's most famous superhero, who is supposed to be from another planet—is a Caucasian. How convenient is that? He could have been a Chinese or an Indian, which our planet has billions of; they populate every city in the world! If he were, he can't just take off his glasses, alter his hair a little, wear his underwear outside his pants, and expect to be totally unrecognizable, can he?
I'm curious. If a cannibal encounters another cannibal, are they going to get along or try to eat each other?
The apple and the orange spent some time together and had a lovely chat. "People are idiots, aren't they?" Said the apple. "They think we are incomparable when we have so much in common." The orange couldn't agree more with the apple. "Exactly!" The orange said. "You and I are fruits, both of us have a common hate against oxidants, and they always put us next to each other in grocery stores." The grape, walking past them, overheard the talk and said, "Hey, you two wanna juice each other? Get a box!"
Do you know that pedophilia is punishable by 20 years? That is long for a minor offense.
A full-size Tyrannosaurus rex with about 80% of its skin was discovered in a remote prehistoric site in Mongolia. Scientists have billed it as the most incredibly intact dinosaur remains ever discovered—causing the scientific community to be never this abuzz. Placed under extensive scrutiny by the world's top Paleontologists, an intern has found—and much to everybody's chagrin—an etch partially concealed by stubborn dirt on the giant reptile's posterior area, which clearly reads: "Made in China."
A husband and wife were in separate rooms. The husband is changing his clothes while the wife is folding towels in the other room. "Will you shut up already?!" The husband said. "What are you talking about?" The wife answered. "I didn't say anything!" Dumbfounded, the husband replied to his wife, "Oh... My ears can no longer tell the difference between your yapping and silence."
Ever since I was a kid, I wondered how Santa Claus could deliver such an enormous number of presents on Christmas Eve by himself. After many years of wondering, it finally hit me when I visited five malls in one day, and the son of a bitch was in every one of them. Damn, the guy is fast!
My new year's resolution is to be more positive and stop procrastinating. No worries if this doesn't pan out, there's always next year.
A grand hotel Elevator Operator was asked about his career choice. He said: Well, it has its ups and downs, and people around me have been in and out of here. I try to stay grounded as much as I can, although that's not always possible. I did walk up the career ladder as far as I could, but they told me I keep pushing buttons, so I went where I could be myself. Some people can get heavy on me, but I got the scales for that—that's how I operate. Otherwise, if my last straw snaps, I'd move on to another life, and I won't hesitate ghosting this place.
A guy dined in a restaurant and was irate to see a button in his soup. "Waiter, you've got to be kidding me!" He confronts his server. "The last time I was here, a fly was floating on my soup. Now, I've got this button; this is just ridiculous!" The annoyed customer vented. "I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter who was quite intent to console the dissatisfied customer. "Flies are hard to come by in the winter. Whatever is there is all we could manage."
What did the young nerd say to the pirate? Answer: Thank you! Because of you, I got this software—that I can't afford—for free!
I want to procreate, but the world is a place of trouble, and I worry for kids. That said, I would only want to conceive the toughest offspring I can have, so I wear a condom whenever I copulate. I must ensure they want this so badly and that they are the toughest of them all. Don't just beat your siblings in a race; be the one to squiggle the hell out of a condom! Only then will I know how capable you are in life.
A very respectful country-living elderly Asian couple who are unaccustomed to big cities came to New York City to visit their hotshot daughter in her high-rise condominium. The elevator door opened, and the elderly woman removed her shoes and placed them neatly aside before stepping in. Her husband planted his palm on his forehead and painfully uttered, "For crying out loud, please don't embarrass me here." Clueless, the poor woman inquired, "I'm sorry, should I take my shoes back and wear them?" Her husband answered, "No! Your socks are two different colors. Take them off too!"
A group of fighters in an MMA gym argued about which discipline is best for MMA fighting. "Muay Thai rules," said the Muay Thai practitioner. "It's the best striking technique." Naturally, the claim was contested. "We all know wrestlers dominate!" A wrestler said. "I can take the fight wherever I want." A grappler steps in to discount both men. "Come on, you all know how Jiu-jitsu easily beat all of you before. It's the greatest single discipline in the world," said the Jiu-jitsu Blackbelt. Then, a mean-looking dude barges into the conversation. "My hand combat expertise is so lethal that I'm banned everywhere. None of you would want to mess around somebody like me," the dude said. "Really? What kind of fighting do you do?" They asked him with a smirk. "I'm a third-degree black belt in grabbing groins. See these gorilla-like hands? You don't want either of these getting a hold of your nuts, twisting and yanking them, do you?" He said, striking fear in their hearts.
