“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
~Graham Norton
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
~Bob Hope
“Normal is in the eye of the beholder.”
~Whoopi Goldberg
“All British people have plain names and that works pretty well over there.”
~Paris Hilton
“WalMart… do they like, make walls there?”
~Paris Hilton
“Kabbalah helps you confront your fears. If a girl borrowed my clothes and never gave them back, and I saw her wearing them months later, I would confront her.”
~Paris Hilton
“The way I see it, you should live every day like it’s your birthday.”
~Paris Hilton
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.”
~Drew Carey
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
~Phyllis Diller
“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”
~Butch Hancock
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
~Cookie Monster
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
~Buddy Hackett
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
~Bryan White
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
~Richard Jeni
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”
~Dennis Wholey
“Okay, so what's the speed of dark?”
~Steven Wright
“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”
~Steven Wright
“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.”
~Steven Wright
“82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”
~Steven Wright
“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”
~Steven Wright
