“At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
~Ann Landers
“If I had nine of my fingers missing, I wouldn't type any slower.”
~Mitch Hedberg
“Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.”
~Leslie Nielsen
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
~Steven Wright
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
~Will Rogers
“After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'”
~Ronnie Shakes
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
~Steven Wright
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”
~David Letterman
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
~Sam Levenson
“Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery?'”
~Jay Leno
“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?”
~Barbra Streisand
“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more the cake.”
~Bob Hope
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
~Miles Kington
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.”
~Alexander Woollcott
“A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.”
~Marty Allen
“It's never too late to have a happy childhood.”
~Tony Robbins
“I should be a postage stamp. That's the only way I'll ever get licked!”
~Muhammad Ali
“Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.”
~Stephen Colbert
“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”
~Mae West
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
~Groucho Marx
