“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”
~Reese Witherspoon
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
~Emo Philips
“If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?”
~John Cleese
“First my mother was Spanish. Then she became a Jehovah’s Witness.”
~Geri Halliwell
“If Everybody In The World Dropped Out Of School We Would Have A Much More Intelligent Society.”
~Jaden Smith
“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.”
~Axl Rose
“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”
~Rita Mae Brown
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”
~Rod Stewart
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
~Jack Whitehall
“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”
~Chris Rock
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.”
~Andrew A. Rooney
“Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
~George Burns
“When it doubt, look intelligent.”
~Garrison Keillor
“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
~Rodney Dangerfield
“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
~David Letterman
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
~Robin Williams
“I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
~Bob Hope
“People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.”
~Steven Seagal
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
~George Carlin
“I don't understand why people would want to get rid of pigeons. They don't bother no one.”
~Mike Tyson
