Funny Life Hacks and Wisdom

Nothing in this world is wholly forever true, thus, what could one say that will stand through infinite time? Well, hail the dimwit who first said the expression "It is what it is," because this statement is eternally correct.

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Are you a social climber who wants to post a picture of yourself on a chic vacation, "upper-classy" purchase, or other self-perceived fanciness on social media but still wants to come off as a humble and unassuming person? Post with the caption, "How did these get here? My account has been hacked!"

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Say whatever you want to say but avoid supplementing it with, "I'm not stupid." Some of your listeners might have to cage a chuckle, and that's not an easy responsibility.

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I don't care about all the money in the world. It's the luxurious goods and services that I can buy with it I care about.

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My teeth have fallen out. Dreams do come true!

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If you love someone, set them free. It will likely confuse them, and you'd probably be single for the rest of your life, but adhering to a classic shrewd saying should be your priority in life.

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If you are about to lose an argument, you can still force a draw by stating a final sentence and punctuating it with a blast of fart.

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It's likely that your mouth isn't shut up as often as it should. Try shutting up a little bit more.

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If you wonder about a person's personality, ask them, "What is your comfort food?" If they say something to the tune of a lesser-known dish full of healthy ingredients, cast them away, for they have no use in your life. If they say something along the lines of fried chicken, keep them dearly, for they are the kind who can offer friendship and happiness.

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Make of it what you will, but guys who own a box of condoms tend to live with more confidence for some reason.

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Always strive to get what you want without saying a word and only through sulking, pouting, groaning, passive aggressiveness, or holistic ill temper.

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After a night of hard drinking, waking up in the morning means dealing with a nagging hangover. It is better not to wake up.

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I'd rather be ignorant than courageous, for I will have peace and fear nothing.

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If you say you've only done that horrible thing because of mind-controlling parasites, people will actually bail you out.

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When you are idiotic, and someone asks what you do, and you desperately want to come off brilliant, just say, "Some operations at NASA are top secret. It's best not to talk about work." The first sentence is a fact; the second is your prerogative. You don't even have to lie.

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As a perfectionist, I was worried about jeopardizing my perfect record because it's a source of pride. But taking that risk is part of life, I guess. I was 0/0, and now I'm 0/1; it pains me, but it is what it is.

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It's incredible to me how much laziness can be stronger than hunger. I come to work without food because I don't want to prepare it, and whenever I do have food, I'd shove it in fistfuls so that it's quickly over.

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So you hate the government for the bad things? But what if the government steps up? Who else have you got to blame? There's your spouse, co-workers, the weather, and everything else. You never know when you might need other ones to blame. Always have a safety net.

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The only way to truly ascertain whether an action is right or wrong is in hindsight. Until one can time-travel to the future, I shall do whatever my urges dictate and let time be the judge.

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Couples who no longer talk to each other have reached the pinnacle of a healthy relationship. They exercise independence, autonomy, and understanding that talking is merely a knock on the door to disagreements. Such awareness enforces a harmonious, symbiotic couplehood between two relationship-savvy individuals.

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Allow your kids a maximum of 45 minutes only of daily book reading. Reading wrecks their eyes at a young age. It breeds laziness and unsociable traits, keeping them out of touch with reality. Ensure they get ample television viewing instead; it's less straining to the eyes and effectively teaches social techniques and etiquettes, current local and world affairs, all while being entertained and possibly multitasking.

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Some companies pay incentives to non-smoking employees. That doesn't make sense because there are way more non-smokers than smokers. They should pay the smokers instead since they are significantly fewer, thus saving the company money.

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A major flaw in Probability and Statistics: If you think 50/50 is equal, try putting on a T-shirt in a pitch-dark room; I 100% guarantee you'll wear it backwards on the first try!

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This is my best and travel advice: Stop stressing about underwear count.

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I have never seen two birds killed with one stone, but I have a few times seen two people get pooped on by a bird in one go, so that's the expression I'd be inclined to use.

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